a Note to God

“Stop teasing me, god. I just wanted to be your servant. Now, i am tired. I do not want to do that anymore. Did you take it all from me? Give me back again. I need it. I need a prison. I just cannot stand wandering around like i do not have a home to stay. Give me back my old self. I need a prison. You know, stop teasing me. You know I love you and you love me. I just want to be your servant. You are my God, and I swear I am my own god.”

Congrats, me

I am struggling. I am struggling. I have made this far. Congratulation. I need no help. I am strong. Maybe i will stop blabbering fucking shit. I need no one. At least i am living now. Congratulation.

Aku Hidup

Aku melihat orang-orang menangis di tengah masalah mereka, menggerutu di tengah penat, tertawa-tawa dalam kebahagiaan kecil. 

Aku merasakan panas sengatan matahari dan kelelahan mencambuk sekujur badan. Perutku berbunyi. Aku gelisah dalam kejaran waktu. 

Tiba di rumah, aku bertemu orang-orang yang senyumnya selalu ingin kulihat. Aku berkeluh kesah di depan mereka, marah-marah di depan mereka. Lalu diam. Air membasuh kerongkonganku yang kering, mengalir dalam tubuh. Aku merasakan oksigen masuk ke dalam tubuhku.

Aku hidup.

empty

"I wanted to write down exactly what i felt but somehow the paper stayed empty and i could not have described any better."

I fucking hate myself to the point that i want to kill her.

Let people judge me and think like they know everything.

This night, i am thinking of dying. I don't know, but i feel like i can not stand it anymore.

I always have nightmares and i always remember it. I have no more, not even myself.

Everyday is boredom, it bores me that i am sick of it. I am worthless, i am fed up.

This ache in my heart, can i bear it any longer?

Maybe i should just going tomorrow. Just trying to get through the day.